Series: When maternal rage becomes power (what I learned about maternal rage)
Maternal rage is misunderstood | 3 min read
Maternal rage is misunderstood.
For me, I thought it was yelling or losing my temper easily.
But after attending Nicole McNelis and Kristen Lipari’s maternal rage session at last month’s Postpartum Support International conference, I realized it was much more than that.
Maternal rage can also look like:
Feeling touched out or overstimulated.
Instantly going from 0 to 100 over something that normally wouldn’t bother you.
Feeling like you just need everyone to stop needing you for a minute.
Being consumed by shame, guilt, or self-criticism after the blow up.
Here are 4 takeaways from the session that changed how I think about maternal rage:
- What it is: Intense anger related to mothering that often stems from powerlessness, injustice, and chronic stress.
- What it looks like: Yelling, overstimulation, resentment, overwhelm, or guilt after losing it.
- Why it happens: Violated expectations (what we thought motherhood would look like) + unmet basic needs (sleep, food, support, self-care)
- Why we need to talk about it: 4 out of 5 mental health providers see clients with postpartum rage
That last point was especially eye opening because it reminded me I wasn’t alone.
I’ve noticed my own rage shows up when I'm holding everything together for everyone else, especially if I'm exhausted or haven't eaten.
Today, we picture the ‘ideal mom’ with a clean house, home-cooked meals, and who’s always patient.
Here’s what we DON’T picture: A mom who is well-rested, well-supported, and whose own needs are being met.
When we consistently expect mothers to do more than one person can sustain, rage shouldn’t surprise us. It’s our nervous system responding to impossible conditions.
📣 Want to learn more?
- Listen to PSI’s I Am One Podcast interview with Nicole McNelis (link)
- Check out Nicole’s rage resources (link)
- Read about maternal rage by Dr. Lipari (link)
📷 Slide from PSI conference presentation ‘The Overstimulated Mother: When Maternal Rage, ADHD, and Trauma Collide’
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